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robot@craigslist.org on Jan 29, 2012 05:00PM

Star Turtle needed to tow planet

Seeking the services of a star turtle or other celestial amphibian to tow our planet closer to the sun. We need to evaporate a lake. Please note that the lake is sentient and evil, so please be prepared for that. Don't worry, we don't have peanut butter.

• Location: Terisdale
• Compensation: gold, platinum, gems, or pizza
• This is a part-time job.
• This is a contract job.
• OK to highlight this job opening for persons with disabilities
• Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.
• Phone calls about this job are ok.
• Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.

robot@craigslist.org on Jan 14, 2012 02:19PM

The gator that ate my pot bellied pig

I need help catching the gator that ate my prized pig. My pig (Rudy Belle) was wearing a very expensive necklace, a generational necklace, which was in my wife's family for years. The emotional distress I have had from losing my pig is nothing like the stress I will receive from my wife if I don't get it back. It happened at the Blue Cypress Golf Club and it scared the bejesus out of me. I spoke to management and they said there was nothing they could do. If anyone has found the necklace or has seen this gator ( has a weird blotchy snout) pleasssse contact me.

Thanks,
Jimmy T.

• Location: Jacksonville
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

robot@craigslist.org on Jan 04, 2012 02:45PM

Dolores Park around noon - m4w

My day began pretty normal. Wake up, eat cereal, pull on jeans, call in sick to work and head to Dolo. Turns out my roommate (that lackluster ass-hat, dirty water, dick-lipped, anti-poon waste of sexual organs and air) decided to break up edibles in my cereal in hopes that I would eat it and then go to work super high.

It worked, I was high. Really high. So high I could taste colors and touch emotions. Up was happiness and left was pink. But, unlike the joyful acceptance that comes from willingly doing drugs, un-willingly doing them is much different. I didn't know how I got high, which lead me to think I was having a stroke or that I had died and this was some weird limbo. Ultimately I decided that I was still dreaming. This was a mistake.

Accepting the fact that I was lucid dreaming, I got half naked and pissed myself while running down Guerrero street (don't judge me). I arrived at the park with a half eaten Mexi-pop and 1 can of PBR (if you know how I got these things please let me know and if I robbed a store, I'm sorry and I will repay you.) I saw you almost immediately and tried to make my move. You were beautiful. Eyes more beautiful than a tinfoil wrapped Cancun super burrito and skin graffitied like a side street mural. I would go vegan, fair-trade, local, organic for you. But, things didn't work out in my favor. As I approached to drop my finest pick-up lines, I tripped. I must have hit my head on a rock because I woke up in the grass facedown and you were gone. If you remember seeing a clumsy boy knock himself out, I'd love to take you to dinner at Gracias Madre. Also, if you know who went through my pockets while I was unconscious I would really appreciate that too. I'm missing an iPod filled with Celine Dion's greatest hits.

Always,

Joseph

• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

robot@craigslist.org on Jan 01, 2012 02:47PM

Wanna break my Star Wars cherry?

Yes, it's true, I've never seen "Star Wars." I was 14 years old when the original came out (you do the math) and somehow I never managed to see it, or any of the sequels.

It's time. I'm ready to hand in my Star Wars V-card.

I know this might seem like pretty hot stuff to some of you, introducing a Star Wars virgin to the film that shaped you into the person that you are, developed your sense of virtue and cultivated your concepts of right and wrong. Imagine how hot will it be to sit next to me as I experience -- for the first time! -- the foundation upon which you've not only built your entire personality, but with which you've cultivated the purpose of your heart and the direction of your soul. It will be no less than miraculous, I'm sure. A spiritual epiphany.

This is a one-time offer. I mean, once it's busted, there's no getting my Star Wars cherry back, ya know? So I want it to be good. I want my first time to be memorable. Special. I want the build-up, the excitement, the breathless anticipation, all of it. I want you to tease me with your superior Star Wars wisdom until I'm begging you to please please PLEASE put it in, put it in!! Put the DVD in the player and start the movie! I want you to hold my hand as I submit for the first time to the marvel and wonder of this grand event. I might even be okay with some costumes and role playing before the movie starts, but I'd have to be really comfortable with you. Size matters (no matter what they tell you), so obscenely large screens to the front of the line, and surround sound is a must.

So how about it? Do you think you are the one to cure me of my Star Wars purity? Tell me why.

**Please note this is NOT an offer or request for any sort of sexual activity but I probably won't want to see you again, which is why I consider this a casual encounter.**

• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

robot@craigslist.org on Dec 26, 2011 08:26PM

Certified Pre-Owned Cat *** Orange Tabby

Great for the holiday season, this 2005 Fat Cat is on special this month. Featuring a beautiful mango orange color scheme with neon carrot racing stripes, this one has plenty of miles left on the odometer. In fact, this particular Cat was stored entirely indoors, and has no more than a half mile or so on the odometer. This model is very low maintenance and purrs like a kitten. This Orange Tabby was recently given a full 152-point inspection by a local kitty mechanic and has been certified to be in like-new condition! This baby is fully loaded! One bed, some food, bowls, and all the tools you'll need are included! This month we are running a special for all qualified buyers, no money down, no payments ever! You can drive him home for the low-low price of a donation to the Oregon Humane Society, in any amount you like, preferably in the form of a check made out to Oregon Humane. Call now to schedule your test drive!

• Location: Downtown Portland
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

robot@craigslist.org on Dec 21, 2011 08:35PM

super mario sex - w4m

i know this is super fuckin weird, but what is craigslist for if not freaky ass sex fantasies.

i want to fuck super mario. i want a guy to wear overalls, a red shirt and hat and fuck me hard (while occasionally saying the catchphrases like 'letsa go!' and 'mamma mia'). i guess to look the part it would be wicked if you had dark hair.

you have to leave your costume on during the whole encounter. if you're really into it, i can wear a pink dress and pretend to be princess peach.

any takers for my weird fetish? ill be in ottawa this weekend

WA-HOO!

• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

robot@craigslist.org on Dec 14, 2011 09:07PM

You slept naked in my bed. Unfortunately, you were in the wrong apt. - m4w

Hey there, Emily?

We met last Friday morning. Well, maybe "met" isn't the right word. I believe the first thing you said to me was, "Who the FUCK are you?" That's a funny thing to say to a guy after wandering into his apartment, passing out in his bed, and accosting him wearing nothing but a bed sheet (your own, might I add) the next morning.

Before I get too far, know that I'm not mad. Actually, I think you were pretty funny. And apparently, cute. I was, however, hungover as all hell, lying horizontally on the living room couch.

Why on the couch? Well, that's where I chose to sleep (I know, weird concept) after crawling into what I mistakenly thought was my empty bed at 4am. Laying down in my bed meant risking waking you up. Which would have ended in one of two ways, 1) the worst horror movie ever or 2) possibly the greatest porno ever. I didn't like my odds. Couch it was.

Truth is, I already have a situation. A good situation, even though "my situation" lives in another state. It's so good, in fact, "my situation" laughed her ass off this morning when I told her that one story about a random naked girl waking up in my bed.

I believe you happened to mentioned your own situation, too. Only your situation, based solely on last night (and the tacky pattern on his [I assume] bed sheets)) doesn't sound like a great situation.

That said, it won't work with us. Sorry (it's not you, it's me and my over-use of parentheses). But I have a roommate, and I think he'd be a better "situation" for you. He has nice sheets and locks his door from the inside (looking out for your safety). He also had a better look at you this morning, and seemed to like what he saw despite you tip-toeing down the hall while simultaneously skyrocketing to the top of the walk of shame power rankings.

So, yeah. Let me know. I can arrange something, or you could just stop by.

I guess you already know where to find him.

• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

robot@craigslist.org on Nov 29, 2011 09:42PM

Dear Attractive Women's Union: - m4w

Dear Attractive Women's Union:

i understand, and without hesitation, accept, your official letter of exile to spend the rest of my life in "Lonelytown."

in accordance with your rules, i have deleted my OkCupid account and will no longer write long Facebook posts about how bitter i am that women aren't interested in a scrawny writer who suffers from a history of sexual abuse and doesn't make up for it by playing guitar in a shitty band or tattoos. i will also no longer piss and moan about being stood up and ignored in favor of men with arms as big as my neck, who drive cars that cost more than my internal organs. i have, at long last, accepted that a career as a cartoonist and a writer is a lifelong commitment to celibacy.

i accept that, indeed, "confidence" is supposedly the trait considered most desirable in men as they approach members of the opposite sex, which is a trait that was never bestowed upon me from my upbringing nor earned from a life in poverty. i am, in a sense, confident that i am completely un-confident.

and so it is without hesitation that i will, postehaste, pack up my limited belongings and board the next Lonelybus to Lonelytown, where i will spend my days rotting in solitude next to the LARPers, "Bronies," and video game reviewers of the world. perhaps this exile will allow me the time i need to perfect my craft, and allow me the chance to write and create the works of art i aspire to make, without the constant distraction of feeling sexually and socially inadequate, as i approach the age wherein my friends get engaged or married or promiscuous or any combination thereof.

in accordance with the exile, enclosed you will find an urn containing the charred ashes of my penis, which was offered unto The Dragon of Solitude to be burned under the supervision of The Wizard of Low Self-Esteem, as per your instructions. also, as a token of my thanks, you will find enclosed a 25 dollar Target gift card.

i will begin my exile first thing tomorrow morning. if there are any errors in the paperwork, please respond before dawn, as i will be busy deleting my vast array of pornography before my departure.

respectfully,
--brian

• Location: who cares
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

robot@craigslist.org on Nov 14, 2011 09:10PM

WANTED: Holiday Girlfriend

Let me be clear. I want a girlfriend. But, I don't really want a girlfriend.

I just want one for the holidays.

Let's recognize something. The holidays suck, especially for us single people. All of your coupled friends are going to be doing couple things: snuggling by the fire, going to dinner at each others' parents houses, blahblahbarf.

Let's recognize another thing. Deep down inside, you don't want to be alone for the holidays. You want someone to do all of those cute snuggly things with, someone to get fat and keep warm next to (let's also recognize that it's getting fucking cold here), and someone to accompany you to your friends' coupley holiday parties so they don't keep thinking you're a loser destined for permanent solo status.

But, you've spent all year working on your career / training for charity bike rides / getting drunk and haven't had the time or inclination to track down and capture a boyfriend. And even if you did, you're not really sure you'd want to keep him after the holidays are over, anyway.

The solution:
Be my girlfriend for the holidays. And only for the holidays.

How it works:
You reply with a picture and a brief bio (250 words max. To give you an idea, this posting is 499). If it seems like a good fit we'll set up a casual mini-date (coffee, beer, or whatever). If that's a success and we're both feeling it, we'll date until 11:59PM, January 2nd, 2012. After that we can still be friends (unless we hate each other, then we can downshift to the occasional drunken booty call).

The benefits:
• You have someone to keep you company on these witch-tit-cold San Francisco nights. Did I mention I'm an excellent cuddler? (I have references.)
• I like to cook. Especially for others. Nothing too fancy, but always tasty and satisfying. As long as you're an omnivore, you win.
• Having done it professionally for some years to pay for school, I know my way around a bar. Same goes for wine cellars and beer coolers. Homemade winter warmers? Done.
• Hate holiday music? Me too. Seeing as every other establishment or event you step into will be playing it, I'll spare you the excess.
• Love taking photos? Sweet. Let's wear gaudy holiday attire and make ridiculous Xmas postcards to send your friends and family. Just for the lulz.
• Worried about finding someone to kiss on New Year's Eve who doesn't look (or sound) like Sloth's cousin? Boom! Got you covered.

About Me:
28 years old, small business owner, active (cyclist, surfer, snowboarder), outgoing, easy on the eyes.
Not About You (aka Dealbreakers or, Don't Bother if You Exhibit the Following):
Heavy drug use, laziness, prudishness, still in love with old boy or girlfriend from years past (or if you secretly are, at least have the damn decency to not blab on about it).

Interested? Then send your pic and bio and get this ball rolling.

• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

robot@craigslist.org on Nov 12, 2011 11:53AM

Big Nasty Couch

This is the couch someone found on the side of the road. It's the couch that required four people to get into the truck, and two people to sit in the back and make sure it didn't fall off. It's the couch that left a scratch on the door frame because it hardly fit through, heck they had to take the door frame off to fit the dang thing through. They never put it back. They plopped the BNC in front of their TV and invited 16 people over and all of them fit. When they moved, they tried to sell the couch for eight dollars. No one would buy it, so they put it out for free. That's when we found it and claimed it for our own. We've found things in here that we've never owned: remotes, peanuts, quarters, small animal skulls. Who knows what treasures we've left for you to unearth? If you're lucky, you may find a whole cat.

Anyone who looks at the BNC can see it's no stranger to fornication. It couldn't be. Its four feet of depth and eight feet of length are solid couch-y goodness. You can't blame a body. The BNC was built for macking. And if you think so too, you're surely in 2 decades of good company.

Maybe this couch has seen better days. Or then again, maybe it hasn't. The BNC is like a fine wine, getting better with age. Think of it as the compost bin of the furniture realm. It's where you dump your laundry, your bags, yourself at the end of a long day. You let it swallow you whole and you emerge humbled, softened, earthy smelling, like a rich humus. You sit on the BNC, and you are better for it. So, it's not our nicest piece of furniture? Well, it's definitely the biggest.

Do you have to pay for the BNC? No! The BNC is free. In fact, since we are all about full service, your first bout of BNC entertainment is included: we'll hide some spare change in the cushions and you can look for it. Gloves recommended.

Can you handle a Big Nasty Couch? Well, come and get it already. Big Nasty Transportation not included. Seriously, bring a big truck.

• Location: South Eugene/LCC
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

robot@craigslist.org on Oct 18, 2011 04:10PM

Are You a Ghost Surfing the Web?

Documentary style program is looking to contact a ghost on the internet. If you are DEAD and reading this, please respond!

What is your name?
How did you pass away?
Why are you surfing the internet?

• Location: Nationwide
• Compensation: TBD
• Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.
• Please, no phone calls about this job!
• Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.

robot@craigslist.org on Sep 13, 2011 10:32PM

Yoga mat for sale. Used once.

Yoga mat for sale. Used once at lunch hour class in December 2009. Usage timeline as follows:

11:45a
Register for hot yoga class. Infinite wisdom tells me to commit to 5 class package and purchase a yoga mat. I pay $89.74. Money well spent, I smugly confirm to myself.

11:55a
Open door to yoga room. A gush of hot dry air rushes through and past me. It smells of breath, sweat and hot. Take spot on floor in back of room next to cute blonde. We will date.

11:57a
I feel the need to be as near to naked as possible. This is a problem because of the hot blonde to my left and our pending courtship. She will not be pleased to learn that I need to lose 30 pounds before I propose to her.

11:58a
The shirt and sweats have to come off. I throw caution to the wind and decide to rely on my wit and conditioning to overcome any weight issues my fiancée may take issue with. This will take a lot of wit and conditioning.

11:59a
Begin small talk with my bride to be. She pretends to ignore me but I know how she can be. I allow her to concentrate and stare straight ahead and continue to pretend that I don't exist. As we finish sharing our special moment, I am suddenly aware of a sweat moustache that has formed below my nose. This must be from the all the whispering between us.

12:00p
Instructor enters the room and ascends her special podium at the front of the room. She is a slight, agitated Chinese woman. She introduces me to the class and everyone turns around to greet me just as I decide to aggressively adjust my penis and testes packed in my Under Armor. My bride is notably unfazed.

12:02p
Since I do have experience with Hot Yoga (4 sessions just 5 short years ago) I fully consider that I may be so outstanding and skilled that my instructor may call me out and ask me to guide the class. My wife will look on with a sparkle in her eye. We will make love after class.

12:10p
It is now up to 95 degrees in the room. We have been practicing deep breathing exercises for the last 8 minutes. This would not be a problem if we were all breathing actual, you know, oxygen. Instead, we are breathing each other's body odor, expelled carbon dioxide and other unmentionables. (Don't worry, I'll mention them later.)

12:26p
It is now 100 degrees and I take notice of the humidity, which is hovering at about 90%. I feel the familiar adorning stare of my bride and decide to look back at her. She appears to be nauseated. I then realize that I forgot to brush my teeth prior to attending this class. We bond.

12:33p
It is now 110 degrees and 95% humidity. I am now balancing on one leg with the other leg crossed over the other. My arms are intertwined and I am squatting. The last time I was in this position was 44 years ago in the womb, but I'm in this for the long haul. My wife looks slightly weathered dripping sweat and her eyeliner is streaming down her face. Well, "for better or worse" is what we committed to so we press on.

12:40p
The overweight Hispanic man two spots over has sweat running down his legs. At least I think its sweat. He is holding every position and has not had a sip of water since we walked in. He is making me look bad and I hate him.

12:44p
I consider that if anyone in this room farted that we would all certainly perish.

12:52p
It is now 140 degrees and 100% humidity. I am covered from head to toe in sweat. There is not a square millimeter on my body that is not slippery and sweaty. I am so slimy that I feel like a sea lion or a maybe sea eel. Not even a bear trap could hold me. The sweat is stinging my eyeballs and I can no longer see.

12:55p
This room stinks of asparagus, cloves, tuna and tacos. There is no food in the room. I realize that this is an amalgamation of the body odors of 30 people in a 140 degree room for the last 55 minutes. Seriously, enough with the asparagus, ok?

1:01p
140 degrees and 130% humidity. Look, bitch, I need my space here so don't get all pissy with me if I accidentally sprayed you with sweat as I flipped over. Seriously, is that where this relationship is going? Get over yourself. We need counseling and she needs to be medicated. Stat!

1:09p
150 degrees and cloudy. And hot. I can no longer move my limbs on my own. I have given up on attempting any of the commands this Chinese chick is yelling out at us. I will lay sedentary until the aid unit arrives. I will buy this building and then have it destroyed.
I lose consciousness.

1:15p
I have a headache and my wife is being a selfish bitch. I can't really breathe. All I can think about is holding a cup worth of hot sand in my mouth. I cannot remember what an ice cube is and cannot remember what snow looks like. I consider that my only escape might be a crab walk across 15 bodies and then out of the room. I am paralyzed, and may never walk again so the whole crab walk thing is pretty much out.

1:17p
I cannot move at all and cannot reach my water. Is breathing voluntary or involuntary? If it's voluntary, I am screwed. I stopped participating in the class 20 minutes ago. Hey, lady! I paid for this frickin class, ok?! You work for me! Stop yelling at everyone and just tell us a story or something. It's like juice and cracker time, ok?

1:20p
It is now 165 degrees and moisture is dripping from the ceiling. The towel that I am laying on is no longer providing any wicking or drying properties. It is actually placing additional sweat on me as I touch it. My towel reeks. I cannot identify the smell but no way can it be from me. Did someone spray some stank on my towel or something?

1:30p
Torture session is over. I wish hateful things upon the instructor. She graciously allows us to stay and 'cool down' in the room. It is 175 degrees. Who cools down in 175 degrees? A Komodo Dragon? My wife has left the room. Probably to throw up.

1:34p
My opportunity to escape has arrived. I roll over to my stomach and press up to my knees. It is warmer as I rise up from ground level - probably by 15 degrees. So let's conservatively say it's 190. I muster my final energy and slowly rise. One foot in front of the other. One foot in front of the other. Towards the door. Towards the door.

1:37p
The temperature in the lobby is 72 degrees. Both nipples stiffen to diamond strength and my penis begins to retract into my abdomen from the 100 degree temp swing. I can once again breathe though so I am pleased. I spot my future ex wife in the lobby. We had such a good thing going but I know that no measure of counseling will be able to unravel the day's turmoil and mental scaring.

1:47p
Arrive at Emerald City Smoothie and proceed to order a 32 oz beverage. 402 calories, 0 fat and 14 grams of protein -- effectively negating any caloric burn or benefit from the last 90 minutes. I finish it in 3 minutes and spend the next 2 hours writing this memoir.

3:47p
Create Craigslist ad while burning final 2 grams of protein from Smoothie and before the "shakes" consume my body.

4:29p
Note to self - check car for missing wet yoga towel in am.

• Location: Bellevue
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

robot@craigslist.org on Aug 18, 2011 09:27PM

guy with skid mark, bought gallon of whole milk, circle k - w4m

i was in my bikini at the circle k, you came in with your short shirt and your bike shorts on. they were white and you had a pretty sexy skid mark staining your behind. you got 11 sticks of beef jerky and a gallon of whole milk, then rode off on your bicycle. i will know its you because you paid in pennies.

• Location: pensacola, fl
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

robot@craigslist.org on Aug 16, 2011 10:06AM

Best. Roommate. Ever.

Konichiwa bitches. Are you looking for the most kick-ass fucking roommate that ever lived? If so, look no further. You fucking found him. I'm a 25-year-old professional marketing agent with experience at bad-ass companies in New York Fucking City. That's right! What you know about experience? I graduated from Auburn University in Alabama, and moved to NYC at the ripe, tender age of 22. After deciding that New York was a stinky shit-hole, I moved back to Alabama to cultivate more professional experience. Why? So I can make millions of dollars and not have to post shit like this on Craigslist.

Anyway, so I landed this job with a marketing firm in San Francisco, and I have no fucking clue where to live. Honestly, I'm moving there in 3 weeks, so I don't give a shit if I have to sleep in your bathtub.

A bit about me: I'm respectful, quiet, clean and I won't bother any of your shit. If you leave shit out, I'm just like, "Oh fuck I better not mess with this shit, because it's not mine." I turn off lights. I clean toilets. Fuck it. I'll even cook for you. That's right! My dad is a chef and taught me everything there is to know about cooking southern cajun cuisine. I'll fry green tomatoes, cover them with marinated crab meat and smother that shit in bearnaise. EVERY. GODDAMN. NIGHT. Don't eat meat? That's fucking FANTASTIC! I'll make a zucchini and yellow squash carpaccio that will knock your fucking socks off.

I also read a lot. I fucking LOVE books. Vonnegut, Palahniuk, Hawthorne. All that shit. I read Tuesdays with Morrie the other day. It's a sad story, but I learned something about life, love, knowledge and the pursuit of something greater than myself. Fucking smart. Do you like movies? I fucking love them. We can watch the shit out of some movies together if you like, or go get drinks, or work out, hike, play video games or play a game of one-on-one basketball, or I don't have to talk to you at all. It's completely UP TO YOU!

Sometimes I play guitar. Are you going to love getting baked and listening to Bob Dylan and Pink Floyd? LIVE? WHENEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT? Of course you are! I'll take requests and learn any song you like, because I have the voice of an angel and the acoustical stylings of James Fucking Taylor. AWWWWWW SHIT YEA!

A lot of people ask me, "Hey, you're from Alabama. Are you racist?" And, the answer to that question is, no. I'm not racist or judgmental at all. I love everyone. I'm a secular humanist. I FUCKING LOVE PEOPLE. That's the only requirement to being a secular humanist actually. You have to like other human beings and want to help them for no other reason than they are human regardless of race, religion or sexual preference. WTF?!!!? Pretty fucking cool right?

I own almost nothing! I'm driving my car from Alabama to California in which I'll be transporting two duffelbags of clothes, one laptop computer, one guitar, one cell-phone with charger, 8 pairs of shoes, one picture frame, probably some condoms and a shitload of beef jerky and Pringles for the trip. Though, you can expect the jerky to be gone upon my arrival. Unless you'd like me to pick up some on my way into the city. See?! I'm the most considerate person you've ever met. I'm offering to buy you shit already!

Am I interested in your pad? You can bet my nomadic ass I am! I only require 4 walls, a ceiling and a floor to shelter me from the elements. Other than that, anything else will be considered a convenient plus. I'm taking being a roommate to the next level. Email me! I'll hook yo ass up with Facebook links, background checks, credit reports, phone numbers, resumes, references, awards, sexual history, pictures of karate trophies and a list of the top 10 women I'd like to bang before I die. If you want a next-generation roommate who consistently blows your fucking mind with awesomeness, then hit me up. I'm ready to give you money.

• cats are OK - purrr
• dogs are OK - wooof
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

robot@craigslist.org on Jul 20, 2011 11:18PM

Coffee Table of the Gods

This coffee table is perfect for someone with a cocaine habit or shooting a porno movie.
As you can see from the photo, the majestic beauty of this coffee table rivals earthly treasures such as: the color of the sky at sunset, the laughter of a small child, and infidelity.

Qualities of the table:
-Carpeted
-Mirrored
-The muthertrucker spins
-Doesn't have any weird splotches under black lights

Due to the assumed large demand for this table, all inquirers will be subjected to a quiz to determine their level of badass-ity.

The price of the table is firm: $7.83, four cans of Chef Boyardee Beef Ravioli, and a framed photo of Betty White.

• Location: Minneapolis
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

robot@craigslist.org on Jun 15, 2011 02:35PM

Jedi Needed To Induce Labor

I am nearing towards my due date and I am miserable. My child is about 9 lbs now and I still have 2 weeks to go.
I was hoping that tonight's full moon will do the trick, but this child is as snug as a bug in my uterus.

I'm looking for someone who possesses Jedi powers to use their mind tricks on my child to convince him to come early. The sooner the better.

If you are a master in the way's of the Jedi please help me deliver this child! Many thanks and may the force be with you!

• Location: Springfield, MA
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
• Compensation: Used Light Saber

robot@craigslist.org on Jun 11, 2011 09:50AM

UGLY MEAN CAT-----FREE

LOU IS A MEAN CAT. SHE WILL PROBABLY BITE AND SCRATCH YOU. SHE WILL PEE ON YOUR CARPET. SHE WILL NOT GO OUT OF HOUSE. SHE IS SPAYED. SHE HAS TO GO TO NEW OWNERS.

• Location: BANNING
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

robot@craigslist.org on Jun 02, 2011 06:58AM

Lonely pile of dirt needs a home

I am a lonely pile of dirt who needs a new home. I am a loyal pile of dirt and will not run away or crap in your neighbors yard. I am very easy to get along with and you can walk all over me. I just need a hole to live in. Or I am happy to just spread out over your yard. Whatever. Please come pick me up at xxxxxxxxxxxxx

My owner will remove the ad as soon as I find a new home.

Update June 2 @ 10:14PM I am still here....

• Location: Grapevine
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

robot@craigslist.org on May 26, 2011 07:09PM

Jogging Partner

I am looking for a person of athletic build to help me get in shape.
I hate exercising with passion so the plan of action is this: I ingest Rohypnol [you supply the roofies as I don't know where to purchase them] and you strap my body to yours [limbs to limbs using velcro] and take me along on a jog. Three nights a week. If you're capable and interested, E-mail me so that we can discuss the fee.

• Location: Des Moines, IA
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

robot@craigslist.org on May 16, 2011 08:53PM

Lost your teeth? They're poolside

Did you happen to lose your teeth while cavorting in the pool, or perhaps you took them out and put them poolside as you did laps and forgot to pick them back up when you were done? Well, they're waiting for you next to the POOL'S STAIRS where you DISGUSTINGLY LEFT THEM (unless you dropped them into the pool and some kids found them, thinking they were treasure...boy were they wrong).

Since there are so many old people in this complex, I have no idea whose dentures these are...I'm not about to touch them except to kick them out onto the street (or maybe back into the deep end of the pool) if they're still there tomorrow. GROSS. GROSS. GROSS. Come on people, this is just N-A-S-T-Y.

• Location: Elm and Whitworth, Beverly Hills
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

Obama vs. Reagan: A tale of two recoveries

January jobs report: Hiring ramps up, unemployment falls

Stealth jobs boom: 6 months, 2 million jobs

Kiss QE3 hopes goodbye. And good riddance!

House bill bans welfare spendng at strip clubs